Lasers, a Rose, and a TARDIS
by Scarlet Phlame
Summary: The Doctor and Rose have just AU returned from the events of Doomsday when a crazy fangirl Mary-Sue character appears in their ship. (I own nothing.) Oneshot, 'cos I was so bored.


"So, where we off to next, then?" Rose asked with a grin.

"I was thinking 50th century Britain, who knows, it might be fun," the Doctor replied, flipping some switches on the TARDIS.

"D-Doctor..." Rose said slowly. "I don't mean to alarm you, but I think someone's in the TARDIS."

"Nah, that's impossible, can't be-" the Doctor's voice trailed off as he noticed a girl with short, scruffy dark hair standing smack-dab in the middle of the TARDIS.

"What?" the girl asked finally.

"What?" the Doctor asked, scrunching up his face cutely.

"I don't know who you are, but LET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" the girl shrieked.

"We're in the middle of flight, how is this possible?!" the Doctor gasped, running his hands through his hair.

"St-stay back!" the girl stuttered. "I've got... a... umm..." she fiddled around in her pocket for something. "Hang on, I've got... it's... HA!" she yelled triumphantly as she held up what appeared to be an odd-looking pen.

"It's a pen," Rose said finally.

"Oh, wait, hang on," the girl said, fumbling with the thing. "It's a laser, see- wait... HA! STAY BACK, I'VE GOT A LASER!" the girl shouted.

"What?!" the Doctor asked.

"It's a... um... 5000mw laser," the girl stated boldly. "It'll burn your eyes up if I flash it in your direction, so stay put."

"Well, I doubt a laser that size is 5000mw," the Doctor mumbled.

"Maybe I modified it," the girl said haughtily.

"I don't understand this, how is this even possible?" the Doctor asked, running off in a rant.

"I've also got a green one, you know!" the girl shouted. "And green-"

"Appears to be brighter to the retina, but it's really not," the Doctor cut her off. "It's the same as a red one, pretty much, although I've always liked purple best. Unfocused, cloudy, but nice and bright. Focus it and it'll burn well."

"Ah... well... I've also got a pocketknife," the girl said, fidgeting in her coat. "Well, it's somewhere."

"What is it?" the Doctor asked, holding up a magnifying lens. Rose fought a giggle.

"Doctor, do you even know what she is?"

"No!" the Doctor groaned.

"She's a self-insert," Rose explained.

"What's a self-insert?" the Doctor asked.

"Haven't you noticed, we're in an Alternate Universe fanfiction."

"WHAAAAT?" the girl shrieked, shocked.

"We're in an alternate universe? Blimey," the Doctor groaned.

"No, we're in a fanfiction, meaning this isn't actually happen. Bad fanfictions happen when canon characters have nightmares," Rose explained.

"I AM NOT A NIGHTMARE!" the girl screamed.

"Well, you sure look like one," Rose commented.

"Listen, 'dear', I don't have time for your antics!" the girl fumed. "I need to get home! I was- well, I was watching TV, but it's better than hanging with you guys!"

"She's from America," Rose observed. "Pretty skinny, too. Your average fangirl."

"Looks like it, yeah," the Doctor noted.

"I'M NOT A FANGIRL!"

"You most certainly are," the Doctor said. "Maybe even a Mary Sue. Tell me, what's your name?"

"If you really must know, it's Samantha," the girl huffed. "And don't you DARE call me Sammy. That's my mom's dog's name. Wait, why am I even telling you this? GO AWAY!"

"We're not gonna go away, you are," Rose stated firmly. "You're a self-insert and those are dangerous."

"What is a self-insert?" Sam asked, exasperated.

"A whiny, incessant, annoying kid, most typically a girl," Rose said.

"Well, that doesn't sound anything like me," Sam said with a frown.

"All right, Sammy, where do you live?" the Doctor asked.

"New York, why? Stop being a stalker!" Sam whined. "And don't call me Sammy!"

"We're taking you home," the Doctor stated simply.

"I don't wanna go home! Take me to London instead!" Sam yelled, before frowning. "Wait... is this AU for Doomsday? 'Cos I really hope it is. Hated that episode. OH MY GOD, AM I REPLACING DONNA?"

"Who is she talking about?" Rose wondered.

"Ask her yourself," the Doctor replied.

"Don't tell me ya like her," Rose said, exasperated.

"No, I want her off this ship just as much as you do," the Doctor said.

"Good," was all Rose said.

"Damn, you guys are obnoxious," Sam cursed. "Well... I've still got a laser." Rose rolled her eyes.

"Have you considered that we might possibly have a gun or something?"

"Of course, that's why I needed to defend myself," Sam said.

"With a laser," Rose deadpanned.

"W-well, I've also got a pocketknife," Sam stuttered. "AHA! Wait, those are the scissors. Nail clippers, nail file... hang on..."

"Facepalm," Rose groaned.


End file.
